


The Iliad: Rewritten

by orphan_account



Category: The Iliad - Homer
Genre: Achilles/Patroclus is totally canon, E V Rieu Translation, I'm not sorry, M/M, Reworking, Screenplay/Script Format, kinda silly, revision, rewritten Iliad, sorry Homer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 10:08:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the basic story of the Iliad is adapted to a script format, Achilles is a moron (as per the usual), there is no real canon departure (except more Achilles/Patroclus than Homer may have intended), everyone is extremely colloquial, and Nestor gets told to shut up (which Homer should have included). <br/>Based on the translation by E V Rieu.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Book 1: Plague and Wrath/ In which Achilles Sulks

**Author's Note:**

> Faced with the conflicting demands of revision and fanfiction, I decided to combine them. This should not be taken too seriously. Hopefully will be moderately entertaining... Any opinions et cetera, feel free to comment.

CHORUS: ANGER! So basically, Agamemnon and Achilles had a big fight and it was Apollo’s fault because of Chryses because of Agamemnon. Totally just spoiled that book for you.

(The Greek camp)  
(Enter Chryses- a prophet of Apollo whose daughter Agamemnon has captured.)  
CHRYSES: Yo! Agamemnon and Menelaus and also you other guys. You’re all totally awesome and good luck destroying my town. I brought you a load of shiny things. Now can I have my daughter back pls?  
GREEKS: Wooooo! Shiny things!  
AGAMEMNON: Nope. Get outta here. I like your daughter much more than my wife. (Which is actually pretty understandable because Clytaemnestra is the woman who KILLS Agamemnon, in the BATH.)  
GREEKS: Awwwww.  
CHRYSES: Sucks to be you, dude. Apollo loves me. Y’all in deep trouble.  
(Chryses withdraws a little ways)  
CHRYSES: Yo Apollo? You know how I’m so awesome? Those Greeks wouldn't give my daughter back.  
APOLLO: Dude, that sucks! I’ll totally come help you out.  
(Apollo descends with much simile)  
(Apollo shoots mules, dogs, Greeks)  
(In that order)  
(With magic arrows of plague)  
GREEKS: Ew! Plague! Nine days of plague! Ew!  
HERA: Pssst, Achilles, how about an ASSEMBLY??  
ACHILLES: Right, y’all, we’re having an assembly. Agamemnon, this stinks and we’re all going to die. Let’s ask our resident prophet why exactly this is happening.  
CALCHAS: Um. Um. Um. I don’t want to say. It’s defo not Agamemnon’s fault.  
ACHILLES: Dude, hate on Agamemnon as much as you like. I’ll protect you.  
CALCHAS: Um. Well. It might be the case that maybe Agamemnon’s refusal to return Chryseis means that Chryses went and complained to Apollo and then maybe Apollo is taking revenge. ICOULDBEWRONGDON’TKILLMEEE.  
AGAMEMNON: God, Calchas, why do you ALWAYS have to be such a BUZZKILL?! You never say anything NICE, do you?!! I totally wanna keep this girl. She’s “skilful with her hands”. But I MIGHT give her up- if you guys get me a new prize.  
ACHILLES: What the heck is WRONG with you, dude! You think we have prizes just lying around the camp? You can have a new prize after we actually conquer Ilium.  
AGAMEMNON: I’m not gonna fall for that. Might take your prize. Might take someone else’s. Before we actually get around to the arguing and daylight robbery, how about we send Chryseis back first. On a boat with some cows.  
ACHILLES: Whoooa, wait a minute! We didn't come here for the good of our HEALTH, dude, we came to help YOU and your brother get your stupid floozy back- and you think you can just take our prizes? Not on, man. I might just GO HOME. Ha!  
AGAMEMNON: Coward.  
ACHILLES: (black look) YOU DRUNKARD YOU WITH YOUR EYES OF A DOG AND HEART OF A DOE!  
AGAMEMNON: (black look) JHSADGVCSH!  
ACHILLES: TOTALLY GONNA KILL YOU!  
ATHENE: (descends, invisible to everyone but Achilles) Noooooo, Achilles, this is a BAD PLAN. Fight with words = good. Fight with sword = bad.  
ACHILLES: …changed my mind I’m not gonna kill you. GONNA RAGE THOUGH.  
NESTOR: Y’all, chill. I’m old and therefore I know everything and anything you can do I can do better. So listen to me and quit fighting.  
ACHILLES: Shut up, Nestor.  
AGAMEMNON: Shut up, Nestor.  
(Meanwhile, Chryseis is returned, with sacrifices et cetera, and the plague stops)  
(Achilles returns to his camp to sulk)  
AGAMEMNON: Okay, you heralds. Go get me Achilles’ woman Briseis. Her name rhymes with Chryseis so obvs she’s gonna be as good.  
(Heralds find Achilles sulking)  
ACHILLES: Fine. Take her. It’s not like I CARE.  
BRISEIS: Heeeeey, whut?  
ACHILLES: Bye. (Briseis is removed)  
ACHILLES: (cries)  
THETIS: (swims up) S’up, Achilles?  
ACHILLES: Mooooommmmyyyy D’:   
THETIS: You can tell me, baby.  
ACHILLES: Long story short, Agamemnon’s a meanie and he took my prize. So now I’m going to sulk here and let all the Greeks fight without me.  
THETIS: Oooh, how about I ask Zeus to make the Greeks lose so that they’ll all DIE unless they come grovelling for your forgiveness?  
ACHILLES: Awesome! You’re the best mother ever.  
THETIS: Dry your tears my son! All will be well!  
(Thetis swims away)

(Olympus: Zeus is hanging out grumbling to himself about Hera)  
(Enter Thetis)  
ZEUS: Thetis!  
THETIS: Heeeeey there, Zeus. Please let me hug your knees.  
ZEUS: Kay sure… What do you want?  
THETIS: You know how I’m always so nice to you?  
ZEUS: Yes…?  
THETIS: Long story short, Agamemnon’s being a meanie, so could you make the Greeks lose against the Trojans please, so that the Greeks will want Achilles back?  
ZEUS: Weeell, idk about that. Hera might get a bit pissy with me.  
THETIS: (hugs Zeus’ knees) Pretty please?  
ZEUS: …Oh, what the hell. Hera’s pissy with me all the time anyhow. Okay.


	2. Book 2: A Dream, A Testing & The Catalogue Of Ships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Book 2 is seriously the most boring book alive. So here is a quick summary enabling us to move on.

Zeus, because he's sneaky like that, sends Agamemnon a dream informing him that the Greeks are going to win. Agamemnon tells his cousellors about the dream, but decides that instead of telling the troops about it and giving them a morale burst, he's going to test their resolve by telling them "We can all go home now!" So obviously the troops are very happy about this and run for the ships yelling "Yay let's go home!". And then Agamemnon thinks they're all cowards, and gets Odysseus to tell them all to stop being so silly, of course they're not going home yet. This icky guy Thersites, who everyone hates, abuses Agamemnon in an attempt to get laughs from the troops, Odysseus drastically abuses his powers of oratory by getting a sceptre and beating up Thersites until he cries, at which point everyone laughs at him. Odysseus points out that a while ago Calchas made a prophecy that said the Greeks would win, which calms down the troops. Agamemnon makes a sacrifice to Zeus, which is a nice gesture but completely ineffective, since Zeus has decided he's not going to be nice to the Greeks until they get Achilles back. The really boring bit: whoever's reciting the poem shows off by listing every single one of the Greek contingents and where they're from. Iris tells the Trojans that the Greeks are looking threatening, and then there's another, not quite as giant, list of the TROJAN ships. Fun.  
Achilles does not feature in this book, but you can bet he's sitting by his ships sulking.


	3. Book 3: A Duel and a Trojan View of the Greeks/ Paris is Pathetic

(The battlefield)  
GREEKS: Wooooo! Marching to battle!  
TROJANS: Woooo! Marching to battle!  
(In the Trojan ranks)  
PARIS: Um. I'm not entirely sure this is a good plan.  
HECTOR: Come on, you little princess. Get out there and show them what you're made of.  
PARIS: (deep breaths) (jumps out to face the Greeks) Hey, Greeks! Which of you is going to fight me! I will kill you with my prettiness!  
GREEKS: ...  
MENELAUS: AHA! So you're the guy who stole my wife! RAAARGH!  
(Menelaus advances, looking very scary indeed)  
PARIS: Eeeeeek! I didn't mean it! (Retreats into the ranks)  
HECTOR: PARIS, YOU PARODY, WITH YOUR WONDERFUL LOOKS, YOU SEX-CRAZED SEDUCER!!! YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN!  
PARIS: Excuse me, but Menelaus is freaking scary.  
HECTOR: Why are you such a coward, Paris? Why?!  
PARIS: Oh, give me a break! Fine! I'll fight him, okay? How about this. This whole war is my fault so therefore I should be the one to finish it. If I beat Menelaus in single combat then they all have to go away. If he beats me, then he can have Helen back. Also some shiny stuff. I think Greeks like shiny stuff?  
HECTOR: That's more like it. And that means we can get rid of Helen! Great! I'll just tell everyone of this plan.  
HECTOR: (shouts) Yo Agamemnon! Instead of wasting everyone's lives in a stupid battle, how about my idiot brother faces your idiot brother and whoever wins the duel wins the war for his side?  
GREEKS: Yay! We don't have to fight!  
TROJANS: Yay! We don't have to fight!  
AGAMEMNON: Okay cool. Menelaus is going to kick your Trojan wife-stealing ass, Paris.  
PRIAM: (gets in a chariot, rides out to the battlefield, performs sacrifices to seal oath, rides back to Ilium) (thus proving the worth of old men in the Iliad)

(Ilium)  
(Enter Iris disguised as one of Helen's sisters-in-law)  
IRIS: Yo Helen quit weaving that stupid purple tapestry and get out here. Priam wants you to identify some Greeks.  
(They go to the battlements)  
PRIAM: Ah, hello, you extremely pretty girl. Please tell me about all these guys.  
HELEN: Well, the really grumpy one is Agamemnon- he's an awesome fighter. The slightly weird-looking ginger one is Menelaus- he was my husband. He's also a great fighter. That guy is Odysseus- he's the smart one. Literally the only intelligent Greek. He can be a bit of a bastard though (see Thersites in book 2). Diomedes- great fighter. Et cetera, et cetera. And they're all really awesome and I feel kinda bad for leaving them for your wimp of a son. No offence.  
PRIAM: Wooooow. Greeks are awesome.

(The battlefield)  
EVERYONE: Fiiiiight!  
(Every time Menelaus tries to do anything he trips up, because Zeus hates the Greeks now. It's a mark of Paris' pathetic-ness that Menelaus STILL manages to grab him and drag him around by the helmet)  
APHRODITE: Oh noooo! Paris the one who thinks I'm pretty is in trouble! I must go and save him! (Swoops down and gets Paris out of there in a magical cloud) (Which isn't cheating at all) (And brings him to his bedroom because where else is Paris any good?)

(Ilium)  
APHRODITE: Heey, Helen! I'm just a little serving woman don't mind me. But your husband is back. So you should go see him.  
HELEN: ...hang on a minute. You look a bit shiny to be a serving woman.  
APHRODITE: Okay, I'm actually Aphrodite. The prettiest, sexiest goddess alive. And I'm here to tell you, Paris is waiting in the bedroom, so go and attend to him.  
HELEN: (after seeing the Greeks from the battlement, she feels a bit guilty) I don't want to. Sharing Paris' bed would be WRONG. Why don't you go sleep with him if you like him so much?  
APHRODITE: Woooah, too far, lady! (Angry eyes of god power) I'm being nice. Would you like me to be nasty? No? Then get to that bedroom.  
(Helen goes to Paris' bedroom)  
PARIS: Helen! Hey there! (attempt to be suave)  
HELEN: Paris, you're so pathetic. Did you actually just have to get saved by APHRODITE? Honestly, man. Menelaus isn't that bad. I used to be able to tell him to shut up and he would.  
PARIS: (sniff) My dear, don't say such hurtful things about me! I've just been in a battle. I need some love.  
HELEN: (grumpily) Fine. But let me get back to my weaving later.

(The battlefield)  
AGAMEMNON: You guys are such CHEATERS!  
HECTOR: Don't blame ME! It's not my fault that Paris is a pathetic loser!  
AGAMEMNON: He vanished in a fluffy mist cloud! That's totally cheating!  
HECTOR: It might have been just his perfume. I'm telling you, I don't know where he went.  
AGAMEMNON: Menelaus totally won that fight! Paris is a cheat! You should totally give us Helen and also a load of reparations payments! Or else we will be ANGRY!  
(Dramatic cliffhanger- how will the Trojans respond?)


	4. Book 4: The Oath is Broken and Battle Joined

(Olympus)  
ZEUS: Hmmm... d'you reckon there has been enough fighting and whatever? Look at this opportunity to make peace by just letting them say "Yeah, Menelaus won".  
HERA: NOOOOOOOOO HATE TROY FOREVER MUST DESTROY TROY!!!!  
ZEUS: ....chill out, Hera! Okay, okay, have it your way. Athene, you wanna go and start all this ridiculous bloodshed and crappiness again?  
ATHENE: Yeah!  
ZEUS: ...I thought you were meant to be smart. Fine. Fine. Go do it.  
(Athene zooms down to the battlefield like a shooting star and joins the Trojan ranks)  
ATHENE: (disguised as a Trojan) Heeeey, Pandarus! It would be such a great idea for you to shoot an arrow at Menelaus and everyone would love you if you did!  
PANDARUS: I am easily fooled and obviously am going to break the oath and start a giant war! Thanks for such a great idea! (shoots at Menelaus)  
ATHENE: For some reason, although I hate the Greeks, I obviously don't actually want Pandarus to kill Menelaus, therefore I shall turn the arrow slightly to the side.  
(Menelaus gets shot in the arm)  
MENELAUS: Ouch. There's an arrow in my arm.  
AGAMEMNON: Oh my freaking god are you okay? Menelaus, you were the best brother ever, dude, don't go dying on me, oh I am so sad that he has been wounded, woe is me, let us all lament!!! D:  
MENELAUS: ...dude, chill. I'm fine.  
MACHAON the handy healer dude: Look! I fixed it!  
(All the troops get up)  
(Agamemnon inspects the troops)  
AGAMEMNON: Yo, Odysseus, get your butt in gear. We're going into battle!  
ODYSSEUS: YOU'RE SUCH A BAD LEADER! DUDE! I'M GOING! I GO I GO LOOK HOW I GO! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU GIVE THE ORDER, OKAY!? YOU'RE A MORON!  
AGAMEMNON: Woooah. Okay. Good on you, bro. I meant no offence.  
ODYSSEUS: Thank you.  
AGAMEMNON: Oh look, TEUCER here is ready for war, aren't you? Ajax and Idomeneus are also doing pretty well, aren't they? Not to mention NESTOR, who's such a great example of an old guy.  
NESTOR: Blah blah blah blah blah I am older than you blah blah this is how you should fight blah blah do everything I say blah blah back in the day  
NESTOR'S TROOPS: Shut up, Nestor!  
AGAMEMNON: Whereas YOU, Diomedes, are being a bit pathetic.  
DIOMEDES: Okay okay I'm going.  
STHENELUS: WHAAAT Diomedes, this guy just insulted you, don't let him get away with it!  
DIOMEDES: Shhh. If we lose it'll be his fault.  
STHENELUS: Okay. Let's go.  
AGAMEMNON: Okay, good on you. I totally wasn't mad. I hope the rest of you guys are ready for this war.  
TROOPS: AGAMEMNON! WE'RE GOING! CALM DOWN!

(The battlefield)  
(BATTLE SCENE! LOADS OF STABBING PEOPLE WITH BRONZE SPEARS, INSULTS, BLOOD, ET CETERA. MANY PEOPLE DIE.)  
ARES: ARRRRGH I LOVE WAR. I'm gonna support these here Trojans.  
APOLLO: Well, I ain't too fond of these Greeks, so I reckon I'll support the Trojans too.  
ATHENE: No way, guys. Ilium is going to FALL. I'm supporting the Greeks.  
(Loads of people die. And basically everyone who dies gets a little obituary. Eg: Simoisis, who's this Trojan nobody knows or cares about: his mother raised him by the banks of the river Simois when she was returning from Mount Ida where her father and mother had taken her to see to their sheep. Because we really needed to know that.)


	5. Book 5: Diomedes' Heroics

(The battlefield)  
ATHENE: Oh would you look at that. Maybe I should do something to help these Greeks. How about MAKE DIOMEDES INTO A CRAZY BATTLE FIEND.  
(Diomedes gains x20 experience points, attack skills up +5, gains power of Rampage: turn does not end as normal but continues until takes a hit of strength 5 or over)  
DIOMEDES: LEVEL UP!!!  
(Diomedes rampages around killing a load of Trojans.)  
ATHENE: Hey, Ares, we should just go chill for a while, right? Fighting is boring.  
ARES: I LOVE WAR! But okay.  
(Diomedes causes the Trojans to retreat)  
PANDARUS: Yo, Diomedes! Who do you think you are? I'm going to kill you! (Pandarus wounds Diomedes: health -2)  
DIOMEDES: Ouch.  
ATHENE: Crap. Must go save Diomedes.  
(Diomedes gains +2 health. Diomedes gains Ability to See Gods.)  
ATHENE: Okay, Diomedes, you know how I made you able to see gods? You are not actually allowed to attack any of them because they will kick your mortal butt. Except for Aphrodite because she's a bit pathetic and deserves anything she gets.  
DIOMEDES: Right. I totally understand and am going to remember.  
(Pandarus and Aeneas approach Diomedes and Sthenelus)  
DIOMEDES: Right, Sthenelus. Aeneas' horses are really shiny and nice and we should totally capture them. Okay?  
STHENELUS: But then I won't get to ride in the same chariot as you D:  
DIOMEDES: It's okay. I'll still love you.  
PANDARUS: (approaches) Hey, what? I thought I shot you.  
DIOMEDES: Hahahanope. Don't mess with me.  
(Diomedes kills Pandarus)  
AENEAS: Hey! You killed him!  
DIOMEDES: No kidding. (throws rock at Aeneas)  
AENEAS: Ouch.  
APHRODITE: Heeeeey Aeneas is, like, my favorite son! I'm gonna go save him! (Saves Aeneas)  
DIOMEDES: Hey, it's Aphrodite! She's that wimpy god Athene said I could attack! (Stabs Aphrodite in the wrist)  
APHRODITE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Battlefields are so horrible! (zooms off to Olympus)

(Olympus)  
DIONE: Well, what do you expect if you go onto the battlefield? Honestly, child. (Heals Aphrodite) This happens all the time. The gods want to kill eachother and then they end up getting stabbed by mortals. Silly.  
APHRODITE: Sorry, Mommy.  
ZEUS: Ha ha ha. Fluffy little Aphrodite went onto the battlefield and got hurt. The battlefield is really not your area, kiddo.  
ALL THE OTHER GODS: LOL

(The battlefield)  
APOLLO: Yo, Diomedes! No messing with gods. It's not cool. This is your last warning.  
DIOMEDES: Yeah, yeah.

ARES: Come on Trojans! WHO LOVES WAR? ARES LOVES WAR! AND SO DO YOU GUYS! (With Ares' help, the Trojans are starting to win)

SARPEDON: (was wounded by Diomedes earlier and is lying out of the way groaning) Yo! Hector! Why are you allowing a retreat? That's stupid!  
HECTOR: Shut up, Sarpedon. (Runs past without helping Sarpedon)

AENEAS: Well, would you look at that! All better! Aren't the gods awesome! I can go fight more now.

ATHENE AND HERA: Heeeey Ares quit helping the Trojans!  
ATHENE: C'mon, Diomedes! I'm totally gonna ride shotgun in your chariot and we are gonna take Ares DOWN!  
DIOMEDES: But you said not to go after the gods! And then Apollo said not to go after the gods!  
ATHENE: Ehhh, it'll be fine! You have me with you!  
(Diomedes and Athene wound Ares)  
(Ares retreats to Olympus)

(Olympus)  
ZEUS: Jeez. I'm getting pretty fed up of all you gods bickering and getting wounded.  
ARES: I LOVE WAR! But ouch.  
ZEUS: (rolls eyes) Fine. Come over here and I'll heal you. (Fixes Ares)


End file.
